Jun 02 2008
Some Things I’ve Learned From Working with Parents of Teens
I’ve done a post on things I’ve learned from working with teens, now it’s time for me to do some reflecting on the parents I’ve worked with over the years. Mind you, the parents I’ve been exposed to professionally are a specific segment of the population. There hasn’t been a lot of diversity so I’m certainly not saying that the parents I’ve worked with are reflective of all parents, everywhere in the world. Yet, I have learned lessons from them—both by what they tell me, and by what their actions show me.
I’ve said it in previous posts but I’m going to say it again—kids pay attention to parents’ attitudes, views, and beliefs. If parents have a particular stance towards authority, education, or employment, the kids are going to pick up on it. Not only are they going to pick up on it, they’re going to reflect it.
Another lesson I’ve learned from parents is that it’s very hard to imagine what you’d do in someone else’s shoes. I didn’t believe this until I became a parent myself. When you’re on the outside looking in, things can seem very black and white (easily divided; easy to tell right from wrong). When it’s your life, your kids, your experiences… it’s not so easy to see past the gray areas. I have done things as a parent that I never would have even contemplated before. Lesson: Be careful with being judgmental.
Finally, the last thing I’ll share today: doing everything for your kids does NOT help them. At a very basic level, when I’ve worked with parents who complain about their kids not doing chores, I’ll ask them what the consequences are. If your teen doesn’t do his/her chores, what happens? More times than I care to remember, the answer has been: “Well, I just do them.” Um, yeah. That’s a harsh consequence. I’m hoping you get my sarcasm.
Here’s the thing: People don’t do things that aren’t working for them. So if your teen is doing something that drives you nuts, try to figure out the how/why it’s working for them. Is it attention? Getting out of chores? Getting their way?
As always, I’d love to hear your comments!
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3 Responses to “Some Things I’ve Learned From Working with Parents of Teens”
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The best thing we ever did was read the book: Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. It helped us understand about setting boundaries when needed and the importance of allowing for natural consequences.
That sounds like a wonderful book! The title alone tells me that the author(s) and I would get along just fine.
Thanks for the recommendation!
This post was full of important information and great ideas. I’m starting on a much smaller scale to do this with my four year old. The last two paragraphs, especially hit home with me.