Parenting Daily

One of the reasons I enjoy working with teenagers is that they keep me “hip to the trends”. Okay, so they wouldn’t probably use the word “hip” but you get my drift. Even when they’re trying to be guarded in talking to adults, there are parts of their culture and language that can’t help but slip out because they’re so ingrained. A couple of years ago when one male teen client talked about “emo” (rhymes with chemo), I nodded my head as though I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’ve found that if I pretend I understand, and they keep talking, I can usually figure out meaning from context. This time, I was still puzzled. Just the name “emo” was so distracting, I eventually had to interrupt (not always the best therapeutic tool!) and get clarification.  

Me, the therapist: “I’m sorry, can I just ask what emo is? I thought I would figure it out while you talked, but it’s just not a term I’m familiar with.”

Teen male pauses and takes a minute to gather his thoughts, “Emo. It’s short for emotional.”

Me, “So it’s like a type of clique?”

Teen, “Yeah. Like they wear skinny jeans and their hair flops in front of their face and-“

His explanation is starting to sound like the “alternative” clique I was familiar with in high school, “So is it like based on the type of music they listen to or something?”

Teen, thinking maybe I’m not as dumb as he thought, is relieved, “Yeah. Exactly.”

So our session continued and I stored the information away. In my field work, I have plenty of opportunity to observe teens in their natural and academic environments. I started consciously making an effort to find these “emo” kids. Typically, they weren’t in big groups as the “goth” kids were (I’ll save goth for another post). When I spotted one, he (I rarely see emo females that look distinctly emo, at least to me!) was usually alone, head down, looking a little like a Beatle from the 60s. And parents today, are reacting a bit like parents did when the Beatles first invaded.

In the parent support group I facilitate, concerns about cliques inevitably come up. The last year, especially, has seen an increase in discussion about emo culture by parents. A lot of their fears are based on misconceptions. We often hear that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, parents of teens find that challenging. It’s especially confusing when your teen seems to go through several phases throughout their teen years, of dressing differently, hanging out with different groups of kids, and listening to different types of music.

In most cases, emo kids are just trying on an identity. Same with most kids who jump from clique to clique. For some, dressing like an emo is just a fashion trend. Or perhaps they are first attracted to the emo music genre and then feel pressure (from society, peers, from their own developing self-consciousness) to look like the music’s stereotypical followers. In other words, though it may look strange to you, it may not be anything to worry about.

You know your child better than anyone. Don’t freak out if their taste in clothing or music suddenly changes. I think of these as “surface changes”, and they’re usually perfectly normal for your average teen. When you should be concerned is when you notice significant behavior changes in your teenager—the clothing we put on doesn’t make us suddenly have mood swings, participate in risk-taking, or become violent. Being emo does not mean your teen has to be sad, depressed, a loner, cut on themselves, or hate the world. I’ve seen teens in every clique go through those things and they should be seen as separate issues from whatever “surface identity” the teen is currently participating in.

There is a lot of information on the web about emo culture. Take the extremes that you read with a grain of salt. No website knows your child the way you do. Trust your gut. Talk to your teen and pay attention to changes. If it seems to be more than one of those normal surface changes, then it may be time to explore getting your teen an evaluation at your local community mental health center. Otherwise, breathe deep and remember that teens go through stages and this one, most likely will pass, too.

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